A letter to Santa

Dear Santa-

Hello. It's that time of year again. The cherub's are nesting in tinsel and the unicorns are sharpening their horns and gathering in the backwoods-it's Christmastime, Santa, and it got me thinking about you.

To put it bluntly, I feel that you aren't pulling your weight. Let's get real casual here for a minute here. You work one day a year. I believe you are capable of so much more. Not to mention, you haven't been looking so hot recently. You let yourself go. But whose to blame you really, sitting around for 364 days of the year-I'd probably be in the same boat. High blood pressure, diabetes, poor hygiene, and going on your what, 3rd bypass? Looks grim doesn't it? But don't jump off the sleigh just yet-I have a solution. MORE CHRISTMASES!

What I'm proposing is adding several more Christmases a year. Obviously, we'd start off small and ease your way into it. Maybe one a season until you get your shit right and you can get off the oxygen tank. I can take care of the initial marketing. I have a connection with a local ad agency that makes those diner placemats. I can get the new Christmases on all the diner placemats in Passaic County for a good price. From there, and if you haven't stroked out yet, we can add more and more Christmases until your heart rate stabilizes and your feet turn flesh color again.

Please think about it. I'm here for you, Santa.